I feel like i should mourn, something died inside of me, something strong. Something powerful that could have shattered many things. The love i have offered was so strong, so vulnerable, so powerful but the opposition that it faced was so strong--STRONGER , the fire, the raging fire was destroyed by the ice, the strong wall and block of ice that never melted and would never melt even for the thousand years to come.
I never did understood those 4 years with him, the story started vague, i never wanted him in the first place i was in love with another guy and then he came in, he was in love with a girl who cheated on him. We both are looking for love at that very moment and we tried to join our lives together. two innocent beings who want a fantasy movie but both individuals who woke up pressed with reality.... the other one changed and adapted to the form of reality while the remaining one wanted to continue living the fantasy however reality pervaded and she just suddenly stared at the screen feeling nothing at all. For the first time after that 4 years i feel neither jealousy, nor anger, nor guilt, i feel nothing.
There have been many fights along the way I could not say that I have loved him from the first moment I set my eyes on him, but he was my first kiss, my first hug, the first of everything and so maybe that is why he mattered that much and I did not want to let him go despite the many failures that occurred in the relationship. You see I never did feel cared for, I always did the caring, the trusting, I always catered to his needs, treated him like a baby and accommodated his needs for as long as I could even as my world slowly crumbled around me. Even as my world shattered around me and I almost felt like killing myself out of despair because I had nowhere to go, i sought refuge from him, a refuge he was never prepared to give. and a refuge i never needed in the first place.
Although I never understood what I felt I did what I could, i also had so many mistakes but i could not mourn them now, as I have already asked for forgiveness and that is not even the issue anymore. We both said our thank you and our forgiveness and not even anger nor guilt is left, the cycle has died and the urgency has gone somewhere else, i could not even say it is with relief, for what should you feel when something has died and could no longer be resurrected and you do not know if it really did mean anything to you.
Something inside of me crept and perhaps for the last time, this is probably the last time I will be writing this publicly.
because then there are no second or third chapters or fourth chapters in the story, It is really the end of the road and i feel that as a writer I have to say my last mourning piece.
My last writing piece for the man who has accompanied me for 4 years, soon I will still remember his face, but today I lost something so powerful, so strong, so earth shattering. All of the feelings have died and was replaced by the eerie silence. How I wish i could get it back at this very moment when i wrote my last love poem for him the other day however it was nowhere to be found. For the first time in many months of separation I do not miss him. its 9:59 and i did not miss him at all. I do not want to call for the first time in many months i have nothing to say, I do not feel the need to stare at his face, and I did not remember whether her parted with a kiss or not. his hugs i no longer need or ask, i recall them yes, but i no longer need it.
I should mourn I lost one of the best feelings in the world, but I could not get it back and I cannot force myself to feel it. Both of us died. both of us no longer miss each other, no longer need each other, i guess this is the saddest thing in the world to occur but people do change. you both change and you wake up two different individuals with different paths and worse off than strangers.
I will keep wishing to have those feelings back again, that supreme feeling of care and undying love and sacrifice, feeling that once I was ready to give it. but now as of this moment i am already unable to find it,. I guess I should mourn don't you think, i guess i should go to the ground and place something, a memory perhaps, however my mind did the mourning and the grieving and has finally accepted the end.
but the music continues and life has a progression of its own, like a life cycle that has to die in order to get a new life.
ANOTHER LIFE.
I never did understood those 4 years with him, the story started vague, i never wanted him in the first place i was in love with another guy and then he came in, he was in love with a girl who cheated on him. We both are looking for love at that very moment and we tried to join our lives together. two innocent beings who want a fantasy movie but both individuals who woke up pressed with reality.... the other one changed and adapted to the form of reality while the remaining one wanted to continue living the fantasy however reality pervaded and she just suddenly stared at the screen feeling nothing at all. For the first time after that 4 years i feel neither jealousy, nor anger, nor guilt, i feel nothing.
There have been many fights along the way I could not say that I have loved him from the first moment I set my eyes on him, but he was my first kiss, my first hug, the first of everything and so maybe that is why he mattered that much and I did not want to let him go despite the many failures that occurred in the relationship. You see I never did feel cared for, I always did the caring, the trusting, I always catered to his needs, treated him like a baby and accommodated his needs for as long as I could even as my world slowly crumbled around me. Even as my world shattered around me and I almost felt like killing myself out of despair because I had nowhere to go, i sought refuge from him, a refuge he was never prepared to give. and a refuge i never needed in the first place.
Although I never understood what I felt I did what I could, i also had so many mistakes but i could not mourn them now, as I have already asked for forgiveness and that is not even the issue anymore. We both said our thank you and our forgiveness and not even anger nor guilt is left, the cycle has died and the urgency has gone somewhere else, i could not even say it is with relief, for what should you feel when something has died and could no longer be resurrected and you do not know if it really did mean anything to you.
Something inside of me crept and perhaps for the last time, this is probably the last time I will be writing this publicly.
because then there are no second or third chapters or fourth chapters in the story, It is really the end of the road and i feel that as a writer I have to say my last mourning piece.
My last writing piece for the man who has accompanied me for 4 years, soon I will still remember his face, but today I lost something so powerful, so strong, so earth shattering. All of the feelings have died and was replaced by the eerie silence. How I wish i could get it back at this very moment when i wrote my last love poem for him the other day however it was nowhere to be found. For the first time in many months of separation I do not miss him. its 9:59 and i did not miss him at all. I do not want to call for the first time in many months i have nothing to say, I do not feel the need to stare at his face, and I did not remember whether her parted with a kiss or not. his hugs i no longer need or ask, i recall them yes, but i no longer need it.
I should mourn I lost one of the best feelings in the world, but I could not get it back and I cannot force myself to feel it. Both of us died. both of us no longer miss each other, no longer need each other, i guess this is the saddest thing in the world to occur but people do change. you both change and you wake up two different individuals with different paths and worse off than strangers.
I will keep wishing to have those feelings back again, that supreme feeling of care and undying love and sacrifice, feeling that once I was ready to give it. but now as of this moment i am already unable to find it,. I guess I should mourn don't you think, i guess i should go to the ground and place something, a memory perhaps, however my mind did the mourning and the grieving and has finally accepted the end.
but the music continues and life has a progression of its own, like a life cycle that has to die in order to get a new life.
ANOTHER LIFE.
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